truth be told, i’ve been in a rut for a while and I’m sure you know why. all my life i thought i was somebody special meant to do big things. not just making mc chris records big, but someone that would make cartoons and movies, you know, big things. my heart was set on it and i felt like i was on my way given the last fifteen years or so. i went to a good school, studied screen writing, i was making cartoons, i was meeting the right people. mc chris pulled me away from that because i saw an opportunity and took it. and i’ll always be glad i did, but given my true goals, in the back of my mind, i’d always think it was a mistake.
even as a rapper i continued to chip away at my dream, making a cartoon. making something so i could show the entertainment industry and the world that i was as special as i thought i was, as my home town thought i was, as my family thought i was. i met an artist and we made a cartoon version of me and put it on record covers and shirts and stickers and pretty much everything, all along with the idea that this was a teaser for a show. i made skits that detailed his adventures. i formulated an epic plot that would span multiple medias. it was my life’s work.
then i raised money with my fans and actually made something. but the network that was my alma mater wasn’t interested. neither was its primetime counterpart. i was crushed but still determined. it wasn’t the only outlet in town, there could be others. and there was another network that wanted to make it. and for 14 months we went into development. we wrote a great script, we designed characters, we were ready to hit the ground running. and then the network got cold feet. after months of contracts going back and forth, i was left with nothing but pictures of me signing a contract to nothing. i was left with a dream, yet again. dreams can feel light and airy in the beginning, and then heavy and cumbersome in the end.
i planned to raise money and make the next chapter but it would prove too costly. i said to myself well we can start a company and make it ourselves but there wasn’t time, given the fact that i still had to tour and make records. that was my real job, that was how i paid my bills. i wondered if there would ever be time and my dream started to fade.
almost a year has passed and i’ve been hard at work on a new album. i toured for most of the summer. i did my job, all the while thinking, what about my dream? its blinding brightness got dimmer every day, and i worried that maybe i wasn’t special. i wasn’t meant to make anything besides songs. while my friends got cast in shows and became full time writers in hollywood, i toiled in manhattan, wondering if i was meant for greater things or if i was just like everyone else.
yesterday i went and had an interview with casting agency. a place that put you in commercials, and video games and cartoons. i said things like, i always thought i’d be behind the camera writing and directing, but i’d like to start a family and i have all this experience as a voice over actor, so maybe it’s time for me to give this a try. time to be an actor. and part of that sounded like an admission of failure. like i wasn’t meant for greater things. like i was just a bit player in other people’s big ideas.
but then something funny happened. i was inspired. inspired in that church that always lifts me up when i least expect it: a movie theater.
i saw a movie that revitalized my faith in myself. it gave me hope. it told me that the weird thing i made was brilliant in its own way and that if i didn’t get to make that i’d make something else just as fun. i walked out of the theater with a renewed sense of purpose. i will go on acting auditions and i will make albums and tour, but i won’t give up on my dream. my weird ideas aren’t too weird for the world, my plans aren’t too big for reality. i’m not a freak. i’m still somebody that will make something big. i don’t know what but i know that it’s possible. i know it’s a cliche, but anything is possible if you don’t lose faith in yourself. if you can have it once you can have it forever.
if you ever feel like you’re just a cog in the machine, if you’ve ever felt ashamed to dream big, if you’ve ever felt too weird for the world…
go see the lego movie.